This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
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Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.