Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
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Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
I wish this was real life…
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
can’t believe I got front row seats
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
We’ve all been there…
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”