“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
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I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.