I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
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The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.