Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
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[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
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