me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
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I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
somebody come look at this
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
and this one
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.