House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
You Might Also Like
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.