*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
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If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
So inspired right now.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.