Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
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95% of dentists recommend teeth.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
That eye roll….
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.