My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
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satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Breaking news:
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot