The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
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Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby