[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
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my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
are they though??
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.