Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
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Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”