Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
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Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.