I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
You Might Also Like
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY