Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
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OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I鈥橫 AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Urinal cake? Nah, that鈥檚 a pisscuit
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won鈥檛 make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
I鈥檓 currently in between meals and not very happy about it
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We鈥檙e outta here
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn鈥檛 find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I鈥檇 hung it on the coatrack.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you鈥檒l see them later.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.