When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
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*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES