I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
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One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Monday
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72