[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
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Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re