My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
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Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on