Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
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“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023