pep talk
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My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
I support this random dude and all his protests
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Lmaoo 😂
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede