Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
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“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.