Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…

Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??

DON’T make this weird…

(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)

I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.

The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.

Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury

Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?

Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets

Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.

In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her

*puts words between two asterisks*

*deathbed*

All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*

getting down to this… sick… beat

*dies*

*widow rolls eyes*

[first day as a surgeon]

me: do you have any questions?

patient: how often do people die during this surgery?

me: just once

There’s so much going on 😂😂😂

*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother

Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”

Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”

#KrakenDay #RubbishDay

I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”

Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.

What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:

[Starbucks intercom]

“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”

My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.

*gets hit by car

**back cracks

Me: Thank you!

Godspeed, John Glenn

If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British

them: is that a real sword

me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

[first day as burglar]

me : OMG SNACKS

What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..

sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means