New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
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If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident