[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
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Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
“What movie?” 🤔
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Namaste
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.