Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
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Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
*gets down on one knee*
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?