Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
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My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
I don’t know what to do
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.