TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
You Might Also Like
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Weirdos gonna weird.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute