Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
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*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.