10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
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I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
You think itâs easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Thinking outside the box.. đ
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. Iâm remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still canât back out very well.
This should not be this funny I am sorryđđđ
Turns out if you donât click âturn inâ when youâre done with your assignment on google classroom, you wonât get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
[loud knocking]
âOPEN UP. ITâS THE POLICE!â
Me: Prove it.
âHOW?â
Me: Sing âRoxanne.â
âYour scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.â
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. yâall can fight it out over who iâve disappointed most urgently, iâll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Swing states arenât as much fun as they sound.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever