HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
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Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.