Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
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Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
#Caturday
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.