If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
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*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.