penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
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A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”