After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
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Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.