When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
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My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?