Do one person every day that scares you.
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GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.