I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
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Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops