well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
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Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
my nickname in college
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
never compromise your values