[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
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I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
absolutely not
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?