Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
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I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.