I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
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Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.