The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
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I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.