guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
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Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
*puts words between two asterisks*
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Cake!!
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.