If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
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Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
my mind
You just read my mind
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
technically true but not a great slogan
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
rise and shine we got egg
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.