I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
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*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.