I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
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Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
*limbos under the caution tape
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!