My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
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Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
dream blunt rotation
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
What about a To-Don’t List?
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?