[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
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Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time